by Kenny Anderson
The battle of the sexes, the gender relationships conflict warring blame-game between men and women is probably the hottest ongoing topic in America, as Sahmradh stated:“The whole dynamic between the genders has become one big orgy of blame. Both men and women are responsible for that. Being right has become more important than cooperating and working together towards actual progress, and that’s very sad.”
Ad nauseam male/female relationship problems are brought up daily whether on social media or constantly in everyday face to face conversations with family, relatives, friends, and others.
Regarding divorces in America, I knew women initiated a lot of divorces but I did not know that the overwhelming majority of divorces were initiated by them. An American Sociological Association (ASA) study reports that over 70% of all divorces are initiated by women; among college-educated women this number jumps up to 90%.
This ASA study results begs the question of why are so many women initiating divorces? After researching various publications here are nine of the most common reasons why women initiate divorce:
1. Indifference or cluelessness of the husband to their feelings
2. Small gestures and reassurances are missing
3. Money problems
4. Needs not being met at home
5. Husbands who cheat on their wives
6. Marriage not living up to expectations
7. Substance abuse
8. Lack of romance
9. Physical and emotional abuse
For women these are nine valid reasons to initiate a divorce, these reasons implicates men as the sole cause of why it was necessary for women to file for divorce. What’s interesting in reading many-many publications is women did not cite their own shortcomings or negative tendencies as a reason for initiating the divorce; that their filing for divorce would be best for the man.
Ladies, let me say this in my life as a Black man, over 30 years as a social worker including specializing in marriage and relationship counseling, I’ve never heard any women admit that they contributed to a breakup or divorce with a man.
The overwhelming majority of women basically said they were perfect, they were totally innocent, they were the victims of his wrongdoing or failings; that they are Ms. Right all they needed to do is find - meet Mr. Right.
Indeed, ladies as men we’re often wrong in failed relationships with women, however for the sake of a ‘bigger truth’ we need to begin detaching the myth of women as always being Ms. Right, that somehow women can never do no wrong in relationships.
Ladies, you all have many positive sides but you all also have negative sides; as men we see this negative side. Indeed men experience the negative side of women expressed in controlling, manipulating, non stop-nagging, not listening, selfishness, ungratefulness, never satisfied, untreated mental health issues, toxic emotions, unrealistic thinking and expectations.
Ladies as long as you all hold on to this absolute sense of you alls perfectionism of being always Ms. Right, then you all can never see or admit when you’re wrong. When you’re perfect you won’t engage in self-examination, self-criticism, or self-correction.
Ladies being perfect results in a double-standard: men are always wrong I’m right, he needs to change but I don’t really need to change; this notion of women not needing to change is what many men resent. This notion of women not needing to change because they’re inherently good has resulted in a men’s opposition backlash ‘manosphere’.
The manosphere is a network of online men’s communities who have clapped back against male bashing by women in general and feminists blaming men for failed relationships; many manosphere men engage in female-bashing, that women are the relationship culprits.
Due to women overwhelmingly initiating divorces and blaming men for it many manosphere individuals and groups are advocating that men should not get married because the rewards for getting married are far less than they used to be, while the negative costs of it are far higher.
The U.S. News reported that marriage rates reached a historic low in 2018, with only 6.5 people out of 1,000 getting married - the lowest level in 118 years.
How Women Undermine Their Relationships With Men
Ladies, many men will ignore women’s negative characteristics, while many men don’t discuss this negativity due to a sense of futility and abandon the relationship without closure.
Ladies, I have a perspective of what I believe are some objective factors of many women’s behaviors that undermine their relationships with men, make them intolerable to deal with. I hope these highlighted factors won’t be viewed ‘twisted, dismissed’ as mere female-blaming’:
First-Factor, is Failed Relationships With Men Syndrome (FRWMS) which is a reoccurring failed relationship experience that women have with men throughout their lives.
Often times FRWMS for many women begins early with failed relationships with their fathers particularly if the fathers leaves the home due to divorce that’s too often viewed negatively as abandonment. Next for women is breakups with boyfriends and eventually divorces from husbands.
Failed Relationships With Men Syndrome for women has a compounding effect which women expect relationship failures with men - a worse case scenario that in many cases they help cause ‘self-sabotage’. For women failed relationships with men is a predictable self-fulfilling blaming prophecy.
Second-Factor, as a social worker for over 30 years I worked with women who constituted over 80% of the social workers. Often from these female social workers I constantly heard male cracks, criticisms, and complaints including comments of what men must do to satisfy them.
Regarding the attitude of what men must do for them I remember being a coordinator for Parenting Development and Marriage & Parenting education services and I was involved in a conversation with some female facilitators who were discussing their relationship expectations of men stating they expected a man to have several attributes:
*They needed a money man able to buy them things regularly,
*They needed a funny man that makes them laugh,
*They needed a gossip man that gives them feedback like a woman,
*They needed a helluva sex man to please them
*They needed a ‘wine and dine’ romantic man,
*They needed a church man to inspire them with the word,
*They needed an emotional fix me man that can save them from their troubled feelings,
*They needed a reassurance man constantly saying “baby I love you and can’t live without you,”
*They needed a ‘protect me man’ that always made them feel secure.
What was interesting about this conversation was when I asked the ladies about men having the same needed expectations from them their requirements for themselves were much lower. They also stated they expected fewer flaws from men including them being ready for rapid change.
In contrast they expected men to be more tolerant of their flaws and much more patient with them to change. Listening to the women’s comments I said wow what helluva expectations and double-standards.
What I heard these women say is that they expect a lot from men — yes more than most men can probably deliver, he eventually won’t be good enough. That they will not tolerate too many flaws from men and once they realize that the man was not changing fast enough for them they would end relationships and file for divorces.
Third-Factor, is many women’s mind-games and toxic emotions that are ploys to get men to play by their rules. Mind-games are done to manipulate men’s emotional reactions by playing on their fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and pushing other “buttons” to get what they want.
Women’s toxic emotions are exhibited by constant unpredictable responses; one hour she’s okay the next hour she’s not. She’s an emotional rollercoaster that can cause a man to be constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the ax to fall. Because men can’t predict these types of women’s responses men have to relate to females who are chronically stressful to deal with.
Women’s toxic emotions are also exhibited in insecurity, constantly being suspicious, constantly wanting to know a man’s whereabouts, constantly calling and texting, constantly accusing a man of possibly cheating.
Final-Factor, as already mentioned women overwhelmingly initiate divorces but they also overwhelmingly engage in a specific form of divorce-related parental alienation known as ‘malicious mother syndrome’.
Parental alienation is where one parent demonizes the other parent to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent.
Malicious Mother Syndrome’ is all the negative efforts women use to make children dislike their fathers, to alienate the child from the father. Moreover these mothers are often committed to a broad based personal campaign to demonize ‘discredit’ the father from having a relationship with their children - totally prevent them from co-parenting.
Some examples of malicious mother syndrome is making false allegations of sexual abuse; spreading vicious lies about the ex-husband; trying to get the ex-husband fired from his job; constantly interfering with the fathers visitation rights.
Ladies, reiterating way too many of you all refuse to admit and accept that you negatively contribute to failed relationships and divorces. Ladies without admitting, accepting, and accountability to any contributions to failed relationships then all of you all are implicitly just total victims.
Ladies just playing the victim card exonerates you all from any responsibility and the need for self-improvement to address shortcomings and negative tendencies.
Ladies overwhelmingly you all end most marriages but without self-corrections if you decide to marry again it will likely fail because research shows that the rate of failure for second marriages is 67% and for third marriages it’s a whopping 74%.
Ladies those of you who want to improve your relationships with men I would first recommend that you all honesty admit and accept what you all did to undermine relationships you’ve been in ‘take inventory’.
Ladies also take time to reflect on emotional baggage and how it has negatively impacted your past relationships with men. Ladies work on yourselves with a firm commitment to eliminate or significantly reduce negative tendencies.
Ladies develop the best version of yourself moving forward so you can be a good partner contributing to a relationship that has a better chance of being successful. Ladies, as well as men there must be a commitment on both sides to increase relationship competency, problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills.
In closing, unless there is accountability on both sides for failed relationships and both sides taking responsibility to improve relationships, then the gender wars will continue unabated resulting in constant divorcing, blame-gaming, and wider male/female polarization.
