Sunday, June 20, 2021

Father's Day: One Black Man's Perspective

 by KenRay SunYaru

This blog article is dedicated to all those Black fathers who died unappreciated. My Father’s responsibilities toward his family, like many Black fathers, was minimally acknowledged; often never getting the recognition they deserve; as Baba Koleoso Karade stated:

“We talk, all the time, about the fathers who left, the men who would not assume their responsibility; but nothing is said of the fathers who stayed. Nothing is said of the father who worked, two or three jobs, to make ends meet so his family could survive. Nothing is said of the father who gets up each morning and goes to a job on which he is still reduced to a ‘boy’, yet, he does it in silence and dignity because he accepted his responsibility of FATHERHOOD.”

When I was a young man growing up in the 1960's and 1970's, I was aware of Father's Day, but it was not significant like Mother's Day. My Mother always got cards and gifts, she was recognized and honored, a showing of love she earnestly deserved. 

Reflecting back, most of the time my father did not receive cards, or gifts. Often times he was probably not even told ‘Happy Father's Day.’ If it was mentioned, it was said quickly, in the sense of “oh by the way, Happy Father's Day.”

Like many Black fathers, he was overshadowed by mama. Though he was overlooked, he was necessary for family survival; to pay for food, clothing, transportation, health care, and shelter. His primary family function was going to work; he was just a provider, not a full and wonderful person like mama.

His identity was reduced to a job 'meal-ticket', his overall Black manhood was not important; his deep thoughts and feelings were not important, but his paycheck was very important! So many Black fathers were reduced one dimensionally to a ‘dollar’ (money) and a ‘dick’ (sex).

Today, with women having their own money and sex toys, who needs Black daddies after they make babies; he's expendable and useless resulting in the fact that only 30% of Black children have fathers in the home.

From my perspective most of the alcoholism, substance abuse, and domestic violence Black fathers engage in can be attributed not only to racial oppression, but also to a sense of being unappreciated; the rage of feeling invisible and impotent (powerless, useless).

Most of the time when Black fathers abandon their families Black women want to assume they left for another woman; in many instances Black fathers leave because they feel devalued. Maturing over the years and becoming conscious -knowing our history - I understood that Black men’s internal worth and feelings were not appreciated, valued. As Black psychologist Naim Akbar stated:

"The Black man was evaluated by his ability to endure strenuous work and to produce children. He was viewed by the slave master as a stud and a work horse."

When I was growing up, my father like many working class Black fathers worked afternoon in the auto plant; he was not home during prime time; he was not home during after school hours to assist me with my homework. He was not home to participate in after school activities; he was not home to attend graduation ceremonies and school sporting events. Work took my father away from me during the prime time of my life and his.

Being young and unconscious, I translated my father's forced absence due to work to mean he didn't care about me; I didn't realize his own frustration and pain from the stress of racism and work; as Comrade George Jackson stated:

"No man, or group of men have been more denuded of their self-respect; none in history have been more terrorized, suppressed, repressed, and denied male expression than the U.S. Black men.”

Reflecting back objectively 'maturely' without animosity and resentment (child within issues), I understand my father’s non-involvement with me as a child was not only due to his working, it also was due to his Southern 'detached' sense of fathering and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from Mississippi violence and World War II multiple battlefield bullet wounds. 

My father’s concept of parenting did not entail father/son bonding. His relationship with me was not based on love and involvement, but forced obligation to provide; not love, but often times resentment; the financial pressure on him of viewing me as just ‘another mouth to feed.’

His attitude was that I should be grateful he was in the house because he provided food, clothing, shelter, and transportation. This attitude was similar to the slave master on the plantation that the slave should be grateful because the master provided for them.

Most Black fathers of my father’s generation from the South had this neo-slave mentality. They lacked courage to challenge white male supremacy on any level that slighted and denied them; they took their frustrations and anger out at times beating their wives, but also by beating their sons with electrical extension chords.

Often times the sons were beaten much worse because fathers felt that their sons were little men who could handle more physical pain! Many Black fathers growing up in the South were beaten by bullwhips by their fathers. This whipping practice was a transmission from slavery, a reincarnation of the master beating our enslaved forefathers.

So many Black fathers live their lives out in transference abuse - misplaced aggression; female caretakers also physically and sexually abuse Black boys; 
This physical abuse of Black boys and its psychological impact was graphically exposed in the movie ‘Antoine Fisher.’ Often times when abused Black boys grow up, they continue this cycle of misplaced aggression: Black-on-Black male violence and domestic violence. 

Being a father now I can relate to Black fathers’ anger towards the home front. Growing up I saw why they were angry, I saw many Black fathers work 2 full-time jobs or a full-time job and a part-time job. Working so much they neglected their mental and physical health.

They purchased nice homes, furniture, cars, diamonds, and furs. I witnessed my father, uncles, male relatives, and other Black fathers literally work themselves into sickness and death; martyrs for their families attempting to purchase the elusive ‘American Dream’.

Yet many of their wives were still unhappy because of unrealistic expectations; expecting their Black husbands to provide for them on the same level that power possessing and privileged white males provide for their wives and families.

The lesson I learned from these Black fathers is that you cannot make a wife, woman happy; happiness is not in external things; it is an internal decision; a woman must choose to be happy, or unhappy. So many Black fathers died not understanding that happiness is a woman's choice; too many Black fathers died being unhappy trying to please their wives’ unhappiness.

So many Black fathers have died from strokes and heart attacks trying to live up to their wives’ unrealistic expectations. Many Black fathers drank themselves to death; died from cirrhosis of the liver.

Indeed, many Black fathers were functional alcoholics; they drank alcohol every day and went to work daily. Working every day, they were in denial about their alcoholism. These fathers’ drinking would be influential on their sons who became substance abusers.

These Black fathers like too many Black fathers today didn't realize fatherhood is just one aspect of manhood. Many Black fathers died not developing their own potentials and manhood. Living under white male supremacy in America and often times in a family atmospheres of unappreciation too many Black fathers have died dejected, disillusioned, and depressed.

Yes, it is manhood that determines the quality of fatherhood; a Black man has to adequately love himself before he can properly love a Black woman and his children. One has to develop a strong character to become a strong Black father, as Professor Cornell West states:

“To be a strong Black father, first you have to negotiate all of the absurd attacks and assaults on your humanity, and on your capacity and status as a human being."

West continues:

"By being strong, I mean maturity; a solid understanding of who one is as a person; and a sense of courage."

For me Father's Day is every day, always mindful and appreciative of the best in Black fatherhood. I don't need cards and gifts. My manhood is my card and my gift to myself is being strong and loving!

Black Men We Were Forced to be 'Squares' Let Us Become 'Circles'

 by KenRay Sunyaru

We will consider where the center is using our Ancestors’ most honored shape – the circle.” “We are a people of the circle.” Mwalimu Bomani Baruti
According to the current Ebonic word ‘square’ that means to be unexciting, unadventurous, or dull; generally used in describing a Black man with such attributes who plays it safe – don’t take self-determination risks or challenge racism 'institutional white supremacy'.
A square Black male’s goal is to only have a respectable ‘decent’ job, a nice home, a new car/SUV/truck, marry, and have some children. He’s to be a mere mainstream meal-ticket, conformist, consumer, patriotic, voter, sports enthusiast, retire, die, and leave an insurance policy. Then there are square Black men who are trapped ‘self-contained’ in self-defeating and self-destructive lifestyle boxes of drugs, recklessness, crimes, violence, prison, and death.
From historical Ebonics a ‘square’ derived from a slave whose only goal in life was to have three "square meals" a day. Moreover it's derived from the fact that our enslaved Ancestors were dominated by the square: they were sold on auction blocks and lynched in ‘town squares’; they were designated and restricted to specific spaces ‘Congo Square’; they were forced to live in ‘square slave cabins’; they were forcibly indoctrinated with Christianity in ‘square praise houses’; they were super-exploited in plantation 'field squares'.
The oppressive and exploitive square existence forced on our enslaved Ancestors was a conflict 'clash of cultures'. Case in point was the European colonizers’ square architecture ‘Palladianism’ in contrast to the circular architecture of Africans known as ‘Rondavel’. Indeed the European colonizing enslavers forcibly imposed square culture was confining, dehumanizing, exploiting, restricting, and mechanistic. In contrast African circular culture was ‘dynamic’ constantly revolving, expanding, connecting, moving, innovating, resisting, and freeing.
Enslaved ‘Squarely’ But ‘Re-Circled’ Culturally
Though enslaved by the European colonizing cultural square our Ancestors re-established the spiritual-cultural continuity of the circle ‘Ring Shout’ so that it would remain unbroken. The Ring-Shout is a counter-clockwise ritual based on our enslaved African Bakongo Ancestors cosmogram ‘Dikenga’ – circular symbol of existence representing the ongoing cycle of change, transition, and the continuity of human life that represents the movements of the sun.
Our Ancestors counter-clockwise based spirituality kept them attuned to the sun that turned on its axis counterclockwise and the earth that rotates around the sun counter clockwise along with the other planets. The Ring-Shout ritual representing the ‘Dikenga’ played a central role in our enslaved Ancestors transmitting traditional African values and beliefs from generation to generation thus preserving history, culture, and spiritual identity throughout the extreme disruption and dehumanization of slavery.
On slave plantations our Ancestors ‘stole-away’ and gathered together clandestinely in the cabins, fields, and woods in healing circles where they engaged in conjuring, praying, and ecstatic dancing for the purpose of remembrance, reinforcement, and emotional distress releasing - ‘lay their burdens down’ so they could humanize ‘recreate’ themselves as New Afrikans in this foreign land of racial oppression they found themselves captured and super-exploited in.
Through conjure, prayer, dance, and trance they were able to communicate with the African-Ancestral spirit(s) and became inspired. Often times the ‘Ring-Shout’ gatherings were used for the purpose of freedom by psychologically preparing slaves for the arduous and dangerous task of escaping to the North.
Busting Loose From the Cultural L-7 Square and Let the Circling Culture Begin
Under white supremacy the behavior form of Black men was to be indefinitely a self-limiting ‘square’. Unfortunately too many Black men are still suffering from an imposed racist square culture that they self-promote and self-perpetuate; too many Black men super-disproportionately wind up in ‘square death-beds’ box coffins from Black-on-Black male violence and health-neglect 'chronic diseases'; too many Black men are locked in a box ‘square prison cells’.
As Black men we must break out ‘bust loose from L-7’ oppressive square culture legacy; we must become self-determining circles ‘whole’ creating the best self-circle within ourselves, within our family circles, within our community circles, and circles within our peoples'. Let us be mindful of the words of Mwalimu Bomani Baruti who stated: Our Ancestors knew that circles had more area within them than squares of equivalent dimensions.”
Yes Black men we must see our circles as being bigger than the squares of 'boxed-in' oppression. Stop being squares, get free from the 'boxes'!


Orthoboxy: Boxed-In by Our Own Thinking

“I reflected many, many times to myself upon how the American Negro has been entirely brainwashed from ever seeing or thinking for himself." - Malcolm X
I remember growing up hearing old wise-heads tell other Black men "You's a box-head MF, you need to sho-nuff free your mind." These 'wise-heads' defined a box-head as being ignorant, stupid, limited, and easily manipulated caught in a 'trick-bag'. They said a Black man in racist America "could not afford to to be a 'box-head"; being a box-head could result in landing in boxes: 'prison-cell boxes' and 'coffin boxes'.
Regarding Black history, the origin of the Black box-head is the slave plantation 'yard box' where African minds were forced 'enclosed' into a white concept box that encased 'produced' a slave mentality 'nigga box thinking'; an ignorant mindset square that keeps us self-confined in oppression.
From my perspective I refer to the Black box-head as 'orthobox' similar to orthodox views. Regarding orthodox thinking, it's a persons concepts especially religious or political ones that conforms to dominant beliefs of what's traditionally accepted as right or true.
Somewhat similar, orthobox means to be self-restricted and self-contained thinking that's self-confining; orthobox thinking consists of the following boxed in cognitive distortions:
*Close-mindedness
*Narrow-mindedness
*Unrealistic thinking
*Fantasy-thinking
*Fortune-teller thinking
*Ego-inflated thinking
*Blind-faith thinking
*Self-righteous thinking
*Confirmation-bias thinking
*Pre-conceived 'unexamined' notions thinking
*Illogical thinking
*Emotional thinking
*Over-optimistic thinking
*Pessimistic thinking
Black folks, it was Malcolm X 'Al-Hajj Malik Al-Shabazz' who taught us to struggle to "think outside the box"; thinking differently, unconven-tionally, or from a new perspective. Indeed, Brother Malcolm struggled not to be contained in the 'self-hate box'; he struggled not to be contained in the 'street criminal box', and the 'religious box', as Malcolm stated:
“I feel like a man who has been asleep somewhat and under someone else’s control. I feel that what I’m thinking and saying is now for myself.
Black folks, we cannot free ourselves from the box of racial oppression until we free our minds from our own self-enclosed distorted mental boxes.

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Black Men If You Compare Yourselves All The Time To Others You'll Constantly Be Losing!

 by Kenny Anderson

Black men its unfortunate that so many of us spend all of our time comparing ourselves to whites and each other.
Regarding whites, we compare ourselves to them and we fall short based on a comparison between the oppressor 'white institutional power and skin privilege' and us the historically oppressed 'systematically despised and denied'. For many of us when we struggle against racist injustices it's not driven by 'justice' but by 'jealousy' of what white folks got.
Comparing from a physical feature and behavior perspective no matter how much too many of us try to look and be like white standards through whatever means we fall short often leading to low self-esteem, shame, and depression.
Regarding Black-on-Black comparisons it's non-stop 24/7, this hyper-comparison is sickening 'haterism', Black males constantly comparing, judging, and envying who has the latest and greatest white folks cars, gadgets, clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. This comparing, rivaling, and showing-off over white corporate consumer products creates a superficial Black consumer slave culture, furthermore it results in Black-on-Black jealousy, distrust, disunity, crimes, violence, and murders.
Blacks men in order to get a handle on our mental health and improve our relationship with each other we have to reduce pathological comparing! According to why you should stop comparing yourself to others Daniela Tempesta (LCSW) says "If comparing is how you evaluate your worth, you will always be losing. In this game of life you will never reach a point where you are better than others in every way and why would you want to be." Tempesta highlights 2 important points:
1. It's Damaging To Your Sense Of Self:
Research has found that comparing breeds feelings of envy, low-self confidence, and depression, as well as compromises our ability to trust others. While downward comparison, comparing ourselves to those less fortunate, can provide some benefit to one's sense of self, even this form of comparison comes at a price. It requires that we take pleasure in someone else's failures or misfortunes in order to feel adequate, which can fuel mean-spirited competitiveness versus collaboration; jealousy versus connection. When comparing leads you to devalue yourself or others you've entered dangerous territory.
2. What You Are Comparing Against Is Inaccurate Information:
What people present to the outside world is usually an edited version of their reality. When someone asks you how you are doing, how often do you respond by saying, "my husband is driving me crazy, I'm feeling like a failure at work, and I'm just about ready to lose my mind"? Instead, you probably bite your tongue and say "things are really great!" A recent study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin confirmed that people are less likely to reveal their negative emotions than their positive emotions. Additionally, the study found that people tend to overestimate the presence of positivity in the lives of others, while they misinterpret or fail to detect negative feelings in others. So not only is what's being delivered an incomplete picture, we tend to distort the information we do receive - a double whammy. So next time you find yourself comparing to someone else stop and ask yourself if it is really fair to compare when you don't have all of the information. As Steve Furtick explains, "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
Black men, the next time you find yourself jealous of what another Black man has, feeling envious, inferior, or inadequate realize that you're just having a 'Negative Black Comparison Moment' (NBCM) moment. When these moments arise take a minute and ask yourself why are you comparing, then check yourself with self-talk stating let me get out of my feelings, I'm just on some insecure and jealousy bullshit that aint even important, I'm better than this!