Ladies it Takes Two to Tango: Men Are Definitely Not the Sole Cause of Failed Relationships and Divorces

 by Kenny Anderson

The battle of the sexes, the gender relationships conflict warring blame-game between men and women is probably the hottest ongoing topic in America, as Sahmradh stated:

“The whole dynamic between the genders has become one big orgy of blame. Both men and women are responsible for that. Being right has become more important than cooperating and working together towards actual progress, and that’s very sad.”

Ad nauseam male/female relationship problems are brought up daily whether on social media or constantly in everyday face to face conversations with family, relatives, friends, and others.

For those married these gender conflicts way too often end in divorce, yes there’s a lot of divorcing going on in this country. According to recent data every 13 seconds there’s one divorce in America. This equates to 277 divorces per hour, 6,646 divorces per day, 46,523 divorces per week, and 2,419,196 divorces per year.

Regarding divorces in America, I knew women initiated a lot of divorces but I did not know that the overwhelming majority of divorces were initiated by them. An American Sociological Association (ASA) study reports that over 70% of all divorces are initiated by women; among college-educated women this number jumps up to 90%.

This ASA study results begs the question of why are so many women initiating divorces? After researching various publications here are nine of the most common reasons why women initiate divorce:

1. Indifference or cluelessness of the husband to their feelings

2. Small gestures and reassurances are missing

3. Money problems

4. Needs not being met at home

5. Husbands who cheat on their wives

6. Marriage not living up to expectations

7. Substance abuse

8. Lack of romance

9. Physical and emotional abuse

For women these are nine valid reasons to initiate a divorce, these reasons implicates men as the sole cause of why it was necessary for women to file for divorce. What’s interesting in reading many-many publications is women did not cite their own shortcomings or negative tendencies as a reason for initiating the divorce; that their filing for divorce would be best for the man.

Ladies, let me say this in my life as a Black man, over 30 years as a social worker including specializing in marriage and relationship counseling, I’ve never heard any women admit that they contributed to a breakup or divorce with a man.

The overwhelming majority of women basically said they were perfect, they were totally innocent, they were the victims of his wrongdoing or failings; that they are Ms. Right all they needed to do is find - meet Mr. Right.

Indeed, ladies as men we’re often wrong in failed relationships with women, however for the sake of a ‘bigger truth’ we need to begin detaching the myth of women as always being Ms. Right, that somehow women can never do no wrong in relationships.

Ladies, you all have many positive sides but you all also have negative sides; as men we see this negative side. Indeed men experience the negative side of women expressed in controlling, manipulating, non stop-nagging, not listening, selfishness, ungratefulness, never satisfied, untreated mental health issues, toxic emotions, unrealistic thinking and expectations.

Ladies as long as you all hold on to this absolute sense of you alls perfectionism of being always Ms. Right, then you all can never see or admit when you’re wrong. When you’re perfect you won’t engage in self-examination, self-criticism, or self-correction.

Ladies being perfect results in a double-standard: men are always wrong I’m right, he needs to change but I don’t really need to change; this notion of women not needing to change is what many men resent. This notion of women not needing to change because they’re inherently good has resulted in a men’s opposition backlash ‘manosphere’.

The manosphere is a network of online men’s communities who have clapped back against male bashing by women in general and feminists blaming men for failed relationships; many manosphere men engage in female-bashing, that women are the relationship culprits.

Due to women overwhelmingly initiating divorces and blaming men for it many manosphere individuals and groups are advocating that men should not get married because the rewards for getting married are far less than they used to be, while the negative costs of it are far higher.

The U.S. News reported that marriage rates reached a historic low in 2018, with only 6.5 people out of 1,000 getting married - the lowest level in 118 years.

How Women Undermine Their Relationships With Men

Ladies, many men will ignore women’s negative characteristics, while many men don’t discuss this negativity due to a sense of futility and abandon the relationship without closure.

Ladies, I have a perspective of what I believe are some objective factors of many women’s behaviors that undermine their relationships with men, make them intolerable to deal with. I hope these highlighted factors won’t be viewed ‘twisted, dismissed’ as mere female-blaming’:

First-Factor, is Failed Relationships With Men Syndrome (FRWMS) which is a reoccurring failed relationship experience that women have with men throughout their lives.

Often times FRWMS for many women begins early with failed relationships with their fathers particularly if the fathers leaves the home due to divorce that’s too often viewed negatively as abandonment. Next for women is breakups with boyfriends and eventually divorces from husbands.

Failed Relationships With Men Syndrome for women has a compounding effect which women expect relationship failures with men - a worse case scenario that in many cases they help cause ‘self-sabotage’. For women failed relationships with men is a predictable self-fulfilling blaming prophecy.

Second-Factor, as a social worker for over 30 years I worked with women who constituted over 80% of the social workers. Often from these female social workers I constantly heard male cracks, criticisms, and complaints including comments of what men must do to satisfy them.

Regarding the attitude of what men must do for them I remember being a coordinator for Parenting Development and Marriage & Parenting education services and I was involved in a conversation with some female facilitators who were discussing their relationship expectations of men stating they expected a man to have several attributes:

*They needed a money man able to buy them things regularly,

*They needed a funny man that makes them laugh,

*They needed a gossip man that gives them feedback like a woman,

*They needed a helluva sex man to please them

*They needed a ‘wine and dine’ romantic man,

*They needed a church man to inspire them with the word,

*They needed an emotional fix me man that can save them from their troubled feelings,

*They needed a reassurance man constantly saying “baby I love you and can’t live without you,”

*They needed a ‘protect me man’ that always made them feel secure.

What was interesting about this conversation was when I asked the ladies about men having the same needed expectations from them their requirements for themselves were much lower. They also stated they expected fewer flaws from men including them being ready for rapid change.

In contrast they expected men to be more tolerant of their flaws and much more patient with them to change. Listening to the women’s comments I said wow what helluva expectations and double-standards.

What I heard these women say is that they expect a lot from men — yes more than most men can probably deliver, he eventually won’t be good enough. That they will not tolerate too many flaws from men and once they realize that the man was not changing fast enough for them they would end relationships and file for divorces.

Third-Factor, is many women’s mind-games and toxic emotions that are ploys to get men to play by their rules. Mind-games are done to manipulate men’s emotional reactions by playing on their fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and pushing other “buttons” to get what they want.

Women’s toxic emotions are exhibited by constant unpredictable responses; one hour she’s okay the next hour she’s not. She’s an emotional rollercoaster that can cause a man to be constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the ax to fall. Because men can’t predict these types of women’s responses men have to relate to females who are chronically stressful to deal with.

Women’s toxic emotions are also exhibited in insecurity, constantly being suspicious, constantly wanting to know a man’s whereabouts, constantly calling and texting, constantly accusing a man of possibly cheating.

Final-Factor, as already mentioned women overwhelmingly initiate divorces but they also overwhelmingly engage in a specific form of divorce-related parental alienation known as ‘malicious mother syndrome’.

Parental alienation is where one parent demonizes the other parent to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Malicious Mother Syndrome’ is all the negative efforts women use to make children dislike their fathers, to alienate the child from the father. Moreover these mothers are often committed to a broad based personal campaign to demonize ‘discredit’ the father from having a relationship with their children - totally prevent them from co-parenting.

Some examples of malicious mother syndrome is making false allegations of sexual abuse; spreading vicious lies about the ex-husband; trying to get the ex-husband fired from his job; constantly interfering with the fathers visitation rights.

Ladies, reiterating way too many of you all refuse to admit and accept that you negatively contribute to failed relationships and divorces. Ladies without admitting, accepting, and accountability to any contributions to failed relationships then all of you all are implicitly just total victims.

Ladies just playing the victim card exonerates you all from any responsibility and the need for self-improvement to address shortcomings and negative tendencies.

Ladies overwhelmingly you all end most marriages but without self-corrections if you decide to marry again it will likely fail because research shows that the rate of failure for second marriages is 67% and for third marriages it’s a whopping 74%.

Ladies those of you who want to improve your relationships with men I would first recommend that you all honesty admit and accept what you all did to undermine relationships you’ve been in ‘take inventory’.

Ladies also take time to reflect on emotional baggage and how it has negatively impacted your past relationships with men. Ladies work on yourselves with a firm commitment to eliminate or significantly reduce negative tendencies.

Ladies develop the best version of yourself moving forward so you can be a good partner contributing to a relationship that has a better chance of being successful. Ladies, as well as men there must be a commitment on both sides to increase relationship competency, problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills.

In closing, unless there is accountability on both sides for failed relationships and both sides taking responsibility to improve relationships, then the gender wars will continue unabated resulting in constant divorcing, blame-gaming, and wider male/female polarization.

America's Bullseye 'Black Men'

Imagine the tremendous stress Black men in America feel everyday being constant targets of racist police repression – yes living with fixed bullseyes on our chests. Indeed this stress is traumatizing and demoralizing; it takes a tremendous toll on Black men mentally, emotionally, and physically; it accelerates aging, causes disproportionate chronic diseases and premature deaths.

This Black Man's Power Animal: The Rabbit

by KenRay SunYaRu 

Power animals are spirit guides in animal form that are valuable empowering allies who can help you navigate through life’s challenges and transitions. Your power animal’s traits can be internalized becoming part of your personality characteristics.

I chose the Rabbit as my personal power animal ‘totem’ because of their similarity to Black men in America. Rabbits / Hares are one of the most targeted prey animals, likewise Black men in racist America from past to present are the #1 human prey ‘targets of oppression’.

Yes Rabbits’ traits can teach us Black men who are being ‘hunted’ a lot about not getting caught-up 'captivated, captured' by tricks and traps. The Rabbit Spirit’s mantra is “Stop, look, and listen before you leap” and keeping both feet in reality. 

Way too often Black men live in a 'reactionary mode' of negative over emotionalism; not stopping, looking, and listening before reacting resulting in self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors; yes doing a lot of 'dumb shit' with severe consequences 'sicknesses, incarcerations, and deaths'.

The Rabbit spirit energy teaches us Black men to be mindful of both dangerous actions and situations: Is there danger afoot in your home, in the community, at your job, greater society, or within?

Rabbit spirit energy teaches us Black men to nurture our positive survival instincts especially are responses: Is it time to zig? Is it time to zag? Or, is it time to stay perfectly still? Rabbits as a totem also affords quick wittedness and creative problem solving. Rabbits have the additional symbolism of multi-directional awareness, cleverness, planning, and keen senses.

Though Rabbits are prey they don’t have victim energy, they have escaping 'freedom' vibrancy! As Black men too many of us have adopted the role of ‘victim’? It’s time to stop having a victim mentality! You can only be a victim if you accept it! 

Indeed Rabbits are some of the most enduring and quick-witted animals on the planet. Black men be like the Rabbit developing your smarts and trusting your ability to succeed - be free!

Black men Rabbit energy challenges your reflexes and hones dexterity spiritually and physically. Incorporating Rabbit energy you’ll begin to know what paths support your soul’s survival journey vs. those that undermine it.

My Father A Buffalo Soldier

by Kenny Anderson

My father Jack D. Anderson recently turned 100 years of age on July 13, 2022. Next month my father a veteran will be honored at the 3rd Annual Tuskegee Airman MC Cookout. I knew my father was in the U.S. Army during World War II - growing up he didn't talk much about his military experience.

What I didn’t know and just learned that my father was in the all-Black ‘Buffalo Soldier Division / 92nd Infantry’ the only African American infantry division to see combat in Europe during World War II fighting in the Italian Campaign.

My father raised in racist 'Jim Crow' Mississippi told me he understood clearly that he was fighting for a country that was racist, separate, and unequal; that he was fighting to defend democracy in Europe but was denied civil-rights and voting-rights in America.

However my father said he felt he had a duty to fight the larger global threat of Hitler’s white supremacy ‘Nazism’; that he was proud to be fighting against Nazism in the tradition as a Buffalo Soldier.

Buffalo Soldiers

The Buffalo Soldiers were an all-Black ‘segregated’ infantry that fought in the U.S. Army from 1866-1944. The carnage of the Civil War had severely depleted military troop numbers; the Army needed more men, and it needed a new way to organize them.

On July 28, 1866, the Army Reorganization Act authorized the formation of 30 new units, including two cavalry and four infantry regiments "which shall be composed of colored men."

During the Civil War approximately 186,000 African Americans served in the Union army in the U.S. Colored Troops. Black soldiers served in volunteer cavalry, artillery, and infantry units, but the opportunity to serve as regulars in the Army was not afforded African Americans until after the Civil War.

Due to the Army Reorganization Act about half of the Civil War Black Troops took the opportunity and signed on to serve as regulars in the new restructured Army. For the first time in history, African American men were now considered "regular" soldiers.

Black soldiers could now serve their country and further their quest for equality in the institution that they thought would give them the best opportunity to do both – the U. S. Army. This U.S. army reorganization laid the foundation for the proud tradition of the all-Black "Buffalo Soldiers."

The Buffalo soldiers began their military campaign as the Ninth and Tenth Cavalry spending much of their time in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and Indian Territory protecting citizens, mail and supply routes and battling hostile Native Americans, and outlaws. It was during battling Native Americans that Black troops got their name “Buffalo Soldiers”.

Historians say the name Buffalo Soldiers was given to Black soldiers by Native Americans because of the Black soldiers’ thick dark hair that resembled the fur of a buffalo and they fought so valiantly and fiercely that Natives revered them as they did the mighty buffalo; thus the Ninth and Tenth Cavalry adopted the Buffalo as their symbol.

The 9th and 10th Cavalry Regiments also served in the Philippines in the early 1900s. Despite proving their military worth time and again, they continued to experience racial discrimination.

During World War I and World War II the Buffalo Soldiers became the segregated 92nd Infantry Division (92nd Division, WWI). The Buffalo soldiers during World War I were mostly relegated to defending the Mexican border.

During World War II the Buffalo Soldiers 92nd Infantry Division was the only African-American infantry division that participated in combat in Europe the other units were used as support. The all-Black 92nd Infantry Division was part of the U.S. Fifth Army fighting in the Italian Campaign to the war's end in 1944.

"Buffalo Soldiers Song"

Black Male Effeminization as Oppression

by Matthew Quest

A major tool of those who subscribe to white supremacy, according to Black female psychiatrist Francis Cress Welsing, is the perpetuation of Black male passivity through encouraging effeminization, bisexuality, and homosexuality. Welsing believes this is "a problem of epidemic proportions amongst Black people in the US."

Homophobia in communities of color is rampant to the tenth power of the white mainstream. Why? Because the struggle for human rights against white supremacy has been disproportionately explained as the need to achieve "manhood" rights, from the period of the slave trade to the present.

Welsing believes homosexual patterns of behavior are simply expressions of male self-submission to other males in the area of "sex," as well as in other areas of economics, education, entertainment, labor, law, politics, religion, and war. 

Black male oppression is defined as forced submission and homosexuality is its highest expression. Welsing defines "primary effeminacy" and "secondary effeminacy" to distinguish white causes of homosexuality from Black ones. 

Primary effeminacy is a self-derived response by whites to their genetic insufficiency, causing a negation of self-reproduction due to disgust with their own genetic weaknesses. Secondary effeminacy (Black male homosexuality) is consciously imposed on the Black man by the white man for the purpose of destroying the Black family. 

Welsing attempts to propagate a patriarchal concept of the Black family, which is curious, since it is Afrocentric conventional wisdom that there was no patriarchy in traditional African societies.

Welsing does have a concept of gender roles being environmentally conditioned. However, a continuum would not represent qualities such as aggression and nurturing as universal that all humans can embody. Rather, the author clearly believes that in the process of the Black man taking on homosexual tendencies, he is acting like a woman. She is firmly against this as illustrated by the following examples.

From her work with incarcerated Black males, Welsing concludes that, as they have been broken by the system and forced to submit to an authoritarian environment, prison is the epitome of white supremacy. Black males are "feminized in jail" in the following ways: They are given orders by men to whom they must submit; they wait passively to be fed three meals a day by men; and finally, they have sexual intercourse with men.

Welsing, in an attack on cross dressers of the "Flip Wilson/Geraldine" variety, implies that a real Black man wouldn't wear earrings or bracelets. How can an African-centered critique of white supremacy discount the earring and bracelet wearing Masai warriors or the "Mau Mau," just two of many examples of "manhood" in resistance?

The author, angry with the American Psychological Association's relatively recent repeal of their former opinion that homosexuality constitutes poor mental health, prescribes a distinct position for Black people. Black psychiatrists must understand that whites may condone homosexuality for themselves, but we as Blacks must see it as a strategy for destroying Black people. 

Welsing argues that homosexuals or bisexuals should neither be condemned nor degraded, as they did not decide that they would be so programmed in childhood. The racist system should be held responsible. Welsing believes the task of professionals who concur with her should be proactive treatment and prevention of homosexuality among Black people.

Police Shootings A Color Contrast

"When it comes to police deadly shootings an unarmed Black man is viewed as a violent killer and an armed white male mass murderer is viewed as non-violent, thus two different endings: Black men are shot and killed on the street while mass murdering white men are arrested and taken into custody alive." - CNK

Black Man Killed By Police in Akron, Ohio

 "In the end the largest mass protests in U.S. history in response to the racist police murder of George Floyd did not result in no national police reform! The mass protests resulted in a national Juneteenth Holiday that was never the focus from jump street. The Juneteenth Holiday was 'pacification' and irrelevantly presented as progress while Black men are still being shot down in the streets by police. " - CNK

Rapper Biggie Small rapped a verse “Another one just like the other ones”. Yes another Black man was recently killed of course ‘justifiably’ by police like thousands before him.

Jayland Walker a 25 year-old was killed by Akron (OH) police fleeing from his car after officers attempted to pull him over for a minor traffic violation. Autopsy records show that eight officers fired more than 90 rounds at Walker with more than 60 striking his body; there were wounds on all sides and parts of his body from head to toe.

Before Walker, back in May a fleeing unarmed 26 year-old Black man Patrick Lyoya was fatally shot in the back by a white Grand Rapids (MI) police officer.