by KenRay SunYaru
This blog article is dedicated to all those Black fathers who died unappreciated. My Father’s responsibilities toward his family, like many Black fathers, was minimally acknowledged; often never getting the recognition they deserve; as Baba Koleoso Karade stated:“We talk, all the time, about the fathers who left, the men who would not assume their responsibility; but nothing is said of the fathers who stayed. Nothing is said of the father who worked, two or three jobs, to make ends meet so his family could survive. Nothing is said of the father who gets up each morning and goes to a job on which he is still reduced to a ‘boy’, yet, he does it in silence and dignity because he accepted his responsibility of FATHERHOOD.”
When I was a young man growing up in the 1960's and 1970's, I was aware of Father's Day, but it was not significant like Mother's Day. My Mother always got cards and gifts, she was recognized and honored, a showing of love she earnestly deserved.
Reflecting back, most of the time my father did not receive cards, or gifts. Often times he was probably not even told ‘Happy Father's Day.’ If it was mentioned, it was said quickly, in the sense of “oh by the way, Happy Father's Day.”
Like many Black fathers, he was overshadowed by mama. Though he was overlooked, he was necessary for family survival; to pay for food, clothing, transportation, health care, and shelter. His primary family function was going to work; he was just a provider, not a full and wonderful person like mama.
His identity was reduced to a job 'meal-ticket', his overall Black manhood was not important; his deep thoughts and feelings were not important, but his paycheck was very important! So many Black fathers were reduced one dimensionally to a ‘dollar’ (money) and a ‘dick’ (sex).
Today, with women having their own money and sex toys, who needs Black daddies after they make babies; he's expendable and useless resulting in the fact that only 30% of Black children have fathers in the home.
From my perspective most of the alcoholism, substance abuse, and domestic violence Black fathers engage in can be attributed not only to racial oppression, but also to a sense of being unappreciated; the rage of feeling invisible and impotent (powerless, useless).
Most of the time when Black fathers abandon their families Black women want to assume they left for another woman; in many instances Black fathers leave because they feel devalued. Maturing over the years and becoming conscious -knowing our history - I understood that Black men’s internal worth and feelings were not appreciated, valued. As Black psychologist Naim Akbar stated:
"The Black man was evaluated by his ability to endure strenuous work and to produce children. He was viewed by the slave master as a stud and a work horse."
When I was growing up, my father like many working class Black fathers worked afternoon in the auto plant; he was not home during prime time; he was not home during after school hours to assist me with my homework. He was not home to participate in after school activities; he was not home to attend graduation ceremonies and school sporting events. Work took my father away from me during the prime time of my life and his.
Being young and unconscious, I translated my father's forced absence due to work to mean he didn't care about me; I didn't realize his own frustration and pain from the stress of racism and work; as Comrade George Jackson stated:
"No man, or group of men have been more denuded of their self-respect; none in history have been more terrorized, suppressed, repressed, and denied male expression than the U.S. Black men.”
Reflecting back objectively 'maturely' without animosity and resentment (child within issues), I understand my father’s non-involvement with me as a child was not only due to his working, it also was due to his Southern 'detached' sense of fathering and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from Mississippi violence and World War II multiple battlefield bullet wounds.
Like many Black fathers, he was overshadowed by mama. Though he was overlooked, he was necessary for family survival; to pay for food, clothing, transportation, health care, and shelter. His primary family function was going to work; he was just a provider, not a full and wonderful person like mama.
His identity was reduced to a job 'meal-ticket', his overall Black manhood was not important; his deep thoughts and feelings were not important, but his paycheck was very important! So many Black fathers were reduced one dimensionally to a ‘dollar’ (money) and a ‘dick’ (sex).
Today, with women having their own money and sex toys, who needs Black daddies after they make babies; he's expendable and useless resulting in the fact that only 30% of Black children have fathers in the home.
From my perspective most of the alcoholism, substance abuse, and domestic violence Black fathers engage in can be attributed not only to racial oppression, but also to a sense of being unappreciated; the rage of feeling invisible and impotent (powerless, useless).
Most of the time when Black fathers abandon their families Black women want to assume they left for another woman; in many instances Black fathers leave because they feel devalued. Maturing over the years and becoming conscious -knowing our history - I understood that Black men’s internal worth and feelings were not appreciated, valued. As Black psychologist Naim Akbar stated:
"The Black man was evaluated by his ability to endure strenuous work and to produce children. He was viewed by the slave master as a stud and a work horse."
When I was growing up, my father like many working class Black fathers worked afternoon in the auto plant; he was not home during prime time; he was not home during after school hours to assist me with my homework. He was not home to participate in after school activities; he was not home to attend graduation ceremonies and school sporting events. Work took my father away from me during the prime time of my life and his.
Being young and unconscious, I translated my father's forced absence due to work to mean he didn't care about me; I didn't realize his own frustration and pain from the stress of racism and work; as Comrade George Jackson stated:
"No man, or group of men have been more denuded of their self-respect; none in history have been more terrorized, suppressed, repressed, and denied male expression than the U.S. Black men.”
Reflecting back objectively 'maturely' without animosity and resentment (child within issues), I understand my father’s non-involvement with me as a child was not only due to his working, it also was due to his Southern 'detached' sense of fathering and symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from Mississippi violence and World War II multiple battlefield bullet wounds.
My father’s concept of parenting did not entail father/son bonding. His relationship with me was not based on love and involvement, but forced obligation to provide; not love, but often times resentment; the financial pressure on him of viewing me as just ‘another mouth to feed.’
His attitude was that I should be grateful he was in the house because he provided food, clothing, shelter, and transportation. This attitude was similar to the slave master on the plantation that the slave should be grateful because the master provided for them.
Most Black fathers of my father’s generation from the South had this neo-slave mentality. They lacked courage to challenge white male supremacy on any level that slighted and denied them; they took their frustrations and anger out at times beating their wives, but also by beating their sons with electrical extension chords.
Often times the sons were beaten much worse because fathers felt that their sons were little men who could handle more physical pain! Many Black fathers growing up in the South were beaten by bullwhips by their fathers. This whipping practice was a transmission from slavery, a reincarnation of the master beating our enslaved forefathers.
So many Black fathers live their lives out in transference abuse - misplaced aggression; female caretakers also physically and sexually abuse Black boys; This physical abuse of Black boys and its psychological impact was graphically exposed in the movie ‘Antoine Fisher.’ Often times when abused Black boys grow up, they continue this cycle of misplaced aggression: Black-on-Black male violence and domestic violence.
His attitude was that I should be grateful he was in the house because he provided food, clothing, shelter, and transportation. This attitude was similar to the slave master on the plantation that the slave should be grateful because the master provided for them.
Most Black fathers of my father’s generation from the South had this neo-slave mentality. They lacked courage to challenge white male supremacy on any level that slighted and denied them; they took their frustrations and anger out at times beating their wives, but also by beating their sons with electrical extension chords.
Often times the sons were beaten much worse because fathers felt that their sons were little men who could handle more physical pain! Many Black fathers growing up in the South were beaten by bullwhips by their fathers. This whipping practice was a transmission from slavery, a reincarnation of the master beating our enslaved forefathers.
So many Black fathers live their lives out in transference abuse - misplaced aggression; female caretakers also physically and sexually abuse Black boys; This physical abuse of Black boys and its psychological impact was graphically exposed in the movie ‘Antoine Fisher.’ Often times when abused Black boys grow up, they continue this cycle of misplaced aggression: Black-on-Black male violence and domestic violence.
Being a father now I can relate to Black fathers’ anger towards the home front. Growing up I saw why they were angry, I saw many Black fathers work 2 full-time jobs or a full-time job and a part-time job. Working so much they neglected their mental and physical health.
They purchased nice homes, furniture, cars, diamonds, and furs. I witnessed my father, uncles, male relatives, and other Black fathers literally work themselves into sickness and death; martyrs for their families attempting to purchase the elusive ‘American Dream’.
Yet many of their wives were still unhappy because of unrealistic expectations; expecting their Black husbands to provide for them on the same level that power possessing and privileged white males provide for their wives and families.
The lesson I learned from these Black fathers is that you cannot make a wife, woman happy; happiness is not in external things; it is an internal decision; a woman must choose to be happy, or unhappy. So many Black fathers died not understanding that happiness is a woman's choice; too many Black fathers died being unhappy trying to please their wives’ unhappiness.
So many Black fathers have died from strokes and heart attacks trying to live up to their wives’ unrealistic expectations. Many Black fathers drank themselves to death; died from cirrhosis of the liver.
Indeed, many Black fathers were functional alcoholics; they drank alcohol every day and went to work daily. Working every day, they were in denial about their alcoholism. These fathers’ drinking would be influential on their sons who became substance abusers.
These Black fathers like too many Black fathers today didn't realize fatherhood is just one aspect of manhood. Many Black fathers died not developing their own potentials and manhood. Living under white male supremacy in America and often times in a family atmospheres of unappreciation too many Black fathers have died dejected, disillusioned, and depressed.
Yes, it is manhood that determines the quality of fatherhood; a Black man has to adequately love himself before he can properly love a Black woman and his children. One has to develop a strong character to become a strong Black father, as Professor Cornell West states:
“To be a strong Black father, first you have to negotiate all of the absurd attacks and assaults on your humanity, and on your capacity and status as a human being."
West continues:
"By being strong, I mean maturity; a solid understanding of who one is as a person; and a sense of courage."
For me Father's Day is every day, always mindful and appreciative of the best in Black fatherhood. I don't need cards and gifts. My manhood is my card and my gift to myself is being strong and loving!
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